Ya Rahman,

If there is still a glimpse of imaan in me,

If with Your Mercy you granted my du’a to reside in your Jannah,

Then grant me strength to stop sinning,

Then put inside my heart serenity so I stop hurting,

Then show me the straight path amidst the muddled roads.

Help me……

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Posted by on October 10, 2015 in hu



Am updating my resume.

Since 2006, I’d have at least 5 achievements per year – competitions, programs, et cetera.

Since 2014, however….

…I only have 1 entry per year.

2014 : Active writer and member of A—— (Official Newspaper of Faculty X)

2015 : Active writer and member of A—— (Official Newspaper of Faculty X)

I wish…. I can fill in the seemingly unproductive gaps, for the world to see.
For the companies and organizations to see.

2014 : Active writer and member of A—— (Official Newspaper of Faculty X)
Battled depression for a year
Battled nervous breakdown for half a year
Succeeded in severing dependence on antidepressants
Attended Criminal Law II classes with minimum absence, disregarding trauma-inducing topics
Succeeded in travelling by air against claustrophobic tendencies
Survived a month in the United Kingdom; cooking, eating, going out, sight-seeing,
socializing, making proper conversations – after 6 months’ worth of zombie-like trance

2015 : Active writer and member of A—— (Official Newspaper of Faculty X)
Survived depression, anxiety disorder and agoraphobia
Fighter of claustrophobia, panic attacks and bulimia
Initiator of friendly support group for depression
Motivator to friends with depression
Slowly returning into a laughing, smiling, genuinely happy person.

Well…. maybe the world does not work this way.
But to me,even though these cannot be put in the resume… these are still accomplishments to me.

Huge ones.

The most important accomplishments of all.


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Posted by on April 12, 2015 in hu


Cari life partner bukan macam cari kasut.

Sebab kasut, replaceable.

Takda satu, rosak satu, tukar je.


Life partner.

You dont just look at the picture of some random guy and immediately rasa tangan dia perfect untuk jadi bantal. Nak wax bulu kaki dia for fun. Nak main rambut dia. Nak masak dengan dia. Nak main dengan dia. Nak belajar sayang family dia sebabkan dia. Nak give your whole mind body soul and life kat dia. Nak hadapi susah senang dengan dia.

Kasut boleh sayang banyak pasang. Kalau tak boleh pakai satu, boleh cari yang lain yang sesuai.

Bukan prospective life partner. Bukan sayang ramai-ramai sekali. Kalau tak kesampaian, bukannya senang nak cari yang lain. No matter how handsome they are, how kind, how rich, how successful.

And no matter how good their grammar is sampai I don’t have to become a nazi.

Because I would rather be a nazi. If that means I could spend my life with somebody I love.

In fact, bodohlah kalau terima lamaran orang lain just sebab frust tak kesampaian dengan the one you want.

Because dengan the one you want. You wanna cook for him. Salam cium tangan bila dia pi kerja and balik kerja. Kalau buat salah, rela kena marah (tapi kalau dia salah aku nak la jugak marah). Nak jadi baik untuk dia. Nak habiskan study untuk supaya boleh contribute financially. Nak sembuh, partly untuk dia. Kalau hilang temper, nak dia yang gosok belakang kita.

Bukannya boleh paksa diri camtu dengan a random stranger yang tup tup tetiba jadi husband sebab tetiba kena nikah dengan dia sedangkan tak redha pun.

Dengan the one you want, he’s not perfect dan ada benda yang kita tak berkenan pasai dia tapi willing to live with that. Sebab dia bukan any random guy.

Sebab dia kenai kita inside out.

Dia tau kita punya past mistakes, future aspirations.

Dia tau every single thing yang bagus pasai kita.

Dia tau semua benda tak elok pasai kita.

Dia marah, dia geram, dia sedih, dia kecewa dengan kita tapi macam mana tak elok pun kita dia willing untuk bagi kita time and space to heal and to be better.


When I battled with depression, he did not let go.

When I battled with trauma and anxiety disorder, he did not let go.

When I battled with bulimia, he did not let go.

When I battled with suicide, he did not let go.

When the doctor told me I might not bear children, he still did not let go.

When I lost hope with my studies, my health and my life, he held on. He still does.

In fact he pushes himself more with his studies – because if I can’t be cured, he wants to make sure the family finance is enough with him as the sole breadwinner.

So tell me.

Is there any person that you, they, all of them suggest—

who could hold on to me like he does?

No matter how handsome, how kind, how rich, how successful——

Nobody can beat him.

Nobody could and would love me enough like he does.

Nobody struggled with me as I tried to hold on to life.

Nobody is as precious as that person.

So you can’t simply replace him.

Either I have him, or I grow old alone.

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Posted by on November 2, 2014 in hu


To live.

The guy in front of the car.

The guy in the car. 

The sickening smile in the midst of the crowd.

The two bastards coming from the opposite site in Jusco.

Trapped in a bus, terrified, alone with the malevolent bus driver.

Lots and lots and lots.

Every single incident so close to being a nightmare

The not-eating.

The binge eating.

The eating then vomiting then eating then vomiting then crying with a heart aching so bad.

The knife on hands, tears falling and almost cutting through had it not been the imaan still sewn inside.

The wanting to jump from high places.

The need to disappear.

The suffocation of being at small, closed, dark places.

Oh, by the way doctor. did you know I cried on the plane because the claustrophobia was choking the life out of me and I buckled myself up to resist thrashing at the window—- 30 000 feet above and no ground seen.

Lots and lots and lots.

Demi tuhan, sesi bercerita di hadapan stranger berkot putih bertag nama ‘Doktor’—-

Ia sangat menyakitkan.


Terpaksa teruskan.

Demi sebuah kesembuhan.

Dengan muka emotionless.

Tapi dalam hati—





Tahukah anda?

Untuk terus hidup, I talk and talk and talk as I please to those close to me. I go out for a walk in the rain so nobody sees the tears I cry. I read the Quran before sleeping, chasing the nightmares away. I try to memorize it even, walaupun progress slow macam siput. I force myself to smile everyday, so I could automatically feel happy. I strive to keep on the positivity, scraping every tiny bit. I leave when people start spewing negative ramblings. Writing things out. 

Sometimes I don’t know more what to do to feel alright. Lost.

Lost in the pain. 


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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in hu


Siapa yang dengar jeritanmu, bila mereka lihat cuma senyumanmu?

The easiest way to feel okay is by throwing up. Vomit everything inside. Retching at odd hours so no one could hear such atrocious sounds.

The stupidest way to feel okay is to hurt the body, so the physical pain would outweigh the pain inside thus numbing the turmoils and sorrows.


Bayangkan situasi ini, suatu hari nanti:

“Encik suami, tolong tengokkan anak-anak kejap, I want some time alone in the bathroom.”

“Oh nak mandi?”

“Tak, nak muntah.”


“Kenapa pakai baju tangan panjang dalam rumah? So unlike you.”



“What for?”


“Apasal? Biar la.”

“If I find a wound, or a scar you can’t explain….. you know well what I’d do and where I’d take you.”

Sumpah aku tak nak se-low tu aku jadi.

Berjanji pada diri sendiri untuk berlawan dan bersilat, berkungfu dan berkarate pada ketidaksiasahan yang satu ini. Berikrar, lebih senang dikatakan dan ditulis berbanding dilaksanakan.

Berjanji, aku takkan biarkan future husband aku balik rumah to see his wife cold on the bathroom floor, takkan benarkan future kids aku tengok aku keluar bilik air dengan mata merah berair mata dan tangan menggigil hilang balance.

Berikrar, I will not get married with this trait treacherous still in me. 

Tekad, I will not let my dark side affect others.

Azam, I will fight myself for the sake of my future.

If it so happens that he will hurt me, would I hurt myself? If it so happens that family life stresses the hell out of me, would I hurt myself? If it so happens life hands too many vicious gifts, would I hurt myself?

Three, four, twenty years from now, would I still hurt myself?

Dan, satu soalan yang resonate di hujung hati.

Would it overpower me someday?

Pain, is something I have lived with most of my life. All those garbage of a condition, yeah I’ve lived with quite some time of my life. Berjuang dan berlawan; memaksa diri senyum dan berfikir positif, jauhkan diri dari manusia negatif, medicine, docs, acupuncture, homeopathy, bersenam, bersukan, bermartial art, bersengkang mata ke kuliah ilmu, hingga menukar uni, menukar environment, mendaftar kelas hafalan Quran supaya hati walang berubah tenang, bersungguh-sungguh aku bertarung.


Go away.

Go the hell away.

Go the darnedest frigging hell away.

Kadang-kala tak mampu meneruskan senyuman, kadang-kala tak mampu bangun dari katil dan entertain the thought that I have to live another day trying to look alright when I’m not, sering kali tak mampu meneruskan hafalan dan ditambah dengan pelbagai anasir yang menyukarkan hafalan, ia tergantung begitu sahaja.

Kadang-kala…. the thought of continuing life scares me.

Pelik, haha. The afterlife that I should be scared of, the akhirat, yang kekal dan abadi. The hell yang aku takut nak hidup?

Life scares me.

Which is so unlike me, three years ago.

Spirited and naga-like with an overdose of carpe diem thoughts. Warrior-brave. Bring-it-on attitude.

Truth be told, I’d never thought I’d sink this low.

Too much of pain turns you into who you aren’t….

Menangis seorang. Berjuang seorang. Mengalah seorang. Menjerit untuk bangun balik seorang.

Dan senyum tawa, di hadapan orang.

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Posted by on August 24, 2013 in hu


Cracks under the dancing grass.

Taking your words to heart under the blazing sun.
Remembering your smiles on Eid, with that baju melayu of an odd orange hue.

I bought those words, those images with me to Europe. Wales, England, France.

Bought you along in my thoughts, wherever in the world I went to, wherever in the world I will go. Even in front of Kaabah, where the heart prayed what the lips won’t say aloud.

But the more I travel with the ghosts of your face…

Only Allah knows the cracks in my heart. The lines of intersecting sins and doubt.

Only He knows…

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Posted by on August 22, 2013 in hu


Erk. Hangpa jangan la start label aku woi. Ni hat aku tak berkenan ni.

Ai Kautsar bukan budak baik…. itu sudah confirm.

Ai Kautsar bukan, er, produk berjaya D&T a.k.a dakwah dan tarbiyah. Pergh jauh sekali. Reject stuff kot.

Ai Kautsar juga bukan stok minah alim. Oh tidak.  Otak dia, ya rabbiiiii, selagi boleh question religion dia akan question.

Ai Kautsar, nak habaq mai, bukan seorang yang, um, suci murni innocent tak faham apa yang korang bebelkan. Come on man, I was like you guys. Worse. Definitely. If only you met me before. Tho I don’t wish so.

Ai Kautsar, to preachers and badmouth-ers alike, wears what she wears because that’s her dignity. Apa kau ingat tudung bulat kembang bidang 60 plus baju kurung je lulus ka dey?

Ai Kautsar doesn’t mingle around that much because she’s hurting. Big time. And she doesn’t speak perfume or varsity jacket so what’s not in her jargon and deemed waste of time – she doesn’t participate in. Howkay.

Ai Kautsar pegang Quran 24/7 bukan sebab dia berlagak alim. Tak. Sebab dia tengah menghafal dan dia tengah self-recovery-thru-Quran so dia kena train diri dia baca at least satu juzuk sehari sekali dengan tadabbur dan dia kena hafal at least 4 page seminggu dari huruf pertama sampai la huruf terakhir. Good enough for ya?

Ai Kautsar, silalah percaya, bukan budak DQ yang ada background hafal quran.

Ai Kautsar cumalah seorang budak lost yang perlukan Quran, untuk terus hidup. Budak yang terumbang-ambing, takda sapa yang nak guide and dia kena survive sendiri, deduce rationale on her own. Budak forever alone yang depressed lagi bulimic lagi ex-suicidal yang perlu something strong to hold her firmly dengan this new life she started about two years ago, so dia takkan patah balik hidup lama dan buat benda-benda mereng tu semua again.

Ai Kautsar is just a girl with a lot of pain underneath, who needs the Quran to keep her heart alive.

Ai Kautsar is just a girl with a sore heart, who needs balms in the form of Quran.

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Posted by on December 23, 2012 in hu