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Four burned fingers.

19 May

I woke up this morning all groggy, still tired from yesterday. The prospect of having to stay at the faculty until 7 today (and tomorrow as well – on a Sunday….) didn’t do any good to my mood either. Maka dengan tahap irritation skala lapan belas sebab kena pergi kelas time weekend, I took the iron, grabbed a blouse and turned the electricity on.

Proceed with ironing.

Dan kemudian.

Entah macam mana time nak pegang handle iron tu, boleh pulak pergi pegang bahagian iron yang panas. Yea the besi part yang flat yang fungsi dia melicinkan kedutan baju. That part. Dan otak… macam tak boleh proses danger. Lebih kurang empat saat lepas tu, baru terfikir, eh awat panas jari aku ni?, dan kemudian barulah otak bagi arahan untuk tarik jari daripada iron tu….

…dan meraung! Empat jari melecur bro. Empat jari! Bukannya hujung2 tapi the WHOLE jari! Pegang iron macam pegang botol air mineral huwaaarghhhh!!!!!

Tu pun lepas habis terkejut, otak still tak boleh proses whattodo dengan burn tu. Somehow I stupidly, stupidly tengok je jari-jari sekalian yang merah macam kena celup dalam pewarna sirap ros without doing anything. Bila pedih tu bertambah baru berlari pergi pantry, letak jari dekat air mengalir for about twenty minutes? Thirty?

Seriously. Awat otak tak function pagi tadi?!!!!

Masa dalam bas pergi fakulti… belek-belek jari yang merah-pedih-sakit… dan kemudian…

…terbeku sekejap.

Rasanya, Allah bagi warning through the burned fingers.

Sebab lately, I haven’t been myself. Or on the contrary – have I been my real self? My old self yang macam nak gila I tried to suppress, the darkness I caged with sweat and blood… resurfaced balik. Not to say I’ve been 100% the old Aika – but still. 40% pun dah cukup nak kasi damage dekat diri sendiri dan orang sekeliling. So bila dah dekat tiga minggu ada evil aura oozing out my pores… I guess Allah still loves me, so Dia turunkan warning sikit bagi Aika ingat. Bagi Aika sedar.

Baru empat jari terbakar. Belum the whole body.

Baru panas iron, belum panas neraka.

Baru merah dan pedih, belum terbakar hangus.

Kena iron boleh retreat tangan balik, kena seksa kat akhirat…. nak merayu macam mana bagi rewind masa, bagi hidup balik dan tebus dosa?

Yeah. Positive. It’s a warning.

Gila takut. Serius.

So today – today tengah nak kuatkan mental, tengah nak kuatkan jiwa balik untuk kurung balik whatever darkness yang terlepas tu, kurung and bagi dia dormant, kurung bagi dia anesthetic ke poison ke whatever kasi dia tak sedar langsung. It’s going to take some time for me to find my own way back – tapi kena jugak. Sikit demi sikit. Jari yang masih pedih sampai sekarang akan jadi reminder. Pain. Burn. Hellfire. Forever. Takut. Tak nak. Tak sanggup. Nak jadi baik. Nak jadi okay. Nak jadi taat perintah Allah…. :'(

So thank you, Allah – for reminding me, for the painful warning.

For the burned fingers.

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Posted by on May 19, 2012 in cloudy mind

 

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