She Will be Loved.
This song somehow got mixed up in my Al-Baqarah playlist. So today, I found myself listening to it when in fact I haven’t heard any music for quite a while. Abstaining, more like it. This is one of my fave – something about the miserable that I am. But today, my interpretation of this song is different – due thanks to somebody. Who found my new number at last.
You know how I feel when I listen to the lyrics today?
Yes, I’m troubled. Lots of trouble at 18. Lots of trouble till now. And you were always there to help me, but I’ve always belonged to someone else.
Yeah, you drove for miles and miles and wound up at my door. But I know my limits. I know which boundaries not to transgress, boundaries which you had – and hurt a lot of people in the process. You made me overwhelmed with guilt, praying to God to please forgive me, forgive me even though it’s not me with the bad deed. Yeah, you wound up at my door, but I’ve never opened it. Never did I ever open the passenger door regardless for how many hours you waited for me.
Yeah, you don’t mind spending everyday out in the pouring rain, looking for the girl with the broken smile, asking her if she wants to stay awhile. But she minds. She minds too much. She minds.
That passenger door, that waiting, they should’ve been for the one with rights. Not for me; for them. But why did you never learn?
Yeah, you knew where I hide. Knew all of the things that make me who I am. Knew the depths of my mind and heart. You saw the likeness of our thoughts and actions in spite of the difference in years. You were afraid for me, afraid I’d grow up worse than you. You knew the sorest of my wounds and the darkest of my past, things neither Arif not Mother could ever know about.
Still doesn’t give you rights to catch me every time I fall.
Still doesn’t give you rights to want me in your life.
Still doesn’t give you rights to try.
Sometimes, the depth of which we connect makes me wish it’s the same about me and Arif. Makes me wish he’s a bit like you. But yet again every time you probe around my fortress, calculating, testing whether I’d fall for the trap, I’d tell you straight at the eye to know your boundaries, you ain’t Arif.
Yeah. You ain’t Arif.
I owe you the world that I’m still alive and breathing, I owe it to you that I survived, but that’s all. Don’t ask me more than what I can give because I have deep, deep respect for you, and I’d like to keep on deeply respecting you.
Please don’t try so hard to say goodbye?
Oh, I say goodbye every time. If only you understand, I can’t accept how things work between us. I won’t stop saying goodbye. I’m keeping my conscience clear.