To live.

09 Sep

The guy in front of the car.

The guy in the car. 

The sickening smile in the midst of the crowd.

The two bastards coming from the opposite site in Jusco.

Trapped in a bus, terrified, alone with the malevolent bus driver.

Lots and lots and lots.

Every single incident so close to being a nightmare

The not-eating.

The binge eating.

The eating then vomiting then eating then vomiting then crying with a heart aching so bad.

The knife on hands, tears falling and almost cutting through had it not been the imaan still sewn inside.

The wanting to jump from high places.

The need to disappear.

The suffocation of being at small, closed, dark places.

Oh, by the way doctor. did you know I cried on the plane because the claustrophobia was choking the life out of me and I buckled myself up to resist thrashing at the window—- 30 000 feet above and no ground seen.

Lots and lots and lots.

Demi tuhan, sesi bercerita di hadapan stranger berkot putih bertag nama ‘Doktor’—-

Ia sangat menyakitkan.


Terpaksa teruskan.

Demi sebuah kesembuhan.

Dengan muka emotionless.

Tapi dalam hati—





Tahukah anda?

Untuk terus hidup, I talk and talk and talk as I please to those close to me. I go out for a walk in the rain so nobody sees the tears I cry. I read the Quran before sleeping, chasing the nightmares away. I try to memorize it even, walaupun progress slow macam siput. I force myself to smile everyday, so I could automatically feel happy. I strive to keep on the positivity, scraping every tiny bit. I leave when people start spewing negative ramblings. Writing things out. 

Sometimes I don’t know more what to do to feel alright. Lost.

Lost in the pain. 


1 Comment

Posted by on September 9, 2013 in hu


One response to “To live.

  1. leadahnim leadahnim (@daniaaaye)

    February 23, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    bila menangis atas sejadah, semoga ada ketenangan.
    bila menangis kabur huruf abjad ayat kalimah tuhan, moga sedikit terubat.
    bila menangis dalam hujan petang, semoga mendapat kelegaan.

    once upon a time every flash of my thoughts were accompanied by hashtag #slitwrist, tangan menggeletar with a razor gripped tight depan cermin, but never with enough courage to go all the way.

    it’s a test. it’ll be your testimony. it’s an inner struggle, so that you know to lean on the One who matters the most, and for that, sister, you know you’ll get through it. damaged maybe, but still alive, still surviving.

    this is a random visit bcz i was goggling for du’a utk the depressed, the worried (sbb exam kamis ni insyaAllah), and instead i found your explicit thoughts and am reminded of me, once upon a time. this is my virtual shoulder for you, lest you need it still. insyaAllah, it’ll be fine.


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